Why Didn't He Save Himself?

"You bragged that you could tear down the Temple and then rebuild it in three days - so show us your stuff! Save yourself! If you're really God's son, come down from that cross!"

-Matthew 27:40 - the Message

So why didn't he save himself? Why didn't Jesus, through God's power, get down from the cross - it seems like if he had everyone would have believed then. As I read this today, it was brought in a totally new light. If Jesus would have been saved, there's a good chance I'd "know," but not really "know."

Not sure if that makes sense, so here's an illustration I came up with. I can't tell you how many times I've told Reagan not to push her chair away from the table (with her feet.) We've easily been telling her this for 6 months, but she continues. She briefly realized we may be right because she almost tipped her chair backwards and fell the other day. There was a look of shock in her eyes - or as I'd like to refer to it, "Man, they were right." It's just another example of touching the hot stove. We can tell our children so many times, but sometimes until they experience it for themselves they don't really "know."

We need to experience God, not just hear the stories! If God had allowed Jesus to get down from the cross and "show them," faith wouldn't matter near as much as it does because people would be passing along an "I was there" story. You'd have "faith" in what others were saying, but not in the face that Jesus is God's son, raised from the dead after dying for me! Jesus was crucified and scoffed at and later died on the cross. He wasn't spared. God knew what he was doing. (Which is ALWAYS the case!!) He knew that we would really come to know him, not as a story, but as a father, friend, counselor - the list goes on. It's kind of like having a pen pal. You write and communicate and read and get to know each other that way. There is anticipation in getting the next letter and one day meeting this person. The cool thing about God is that he's written us a letter - the Bible. It is just now, that I am almost 30, that I am starting to take the time to actually read this letter. I'm telling you, in the same stories that I've read and heard 100 times, he is revealing new things to me. I know that if you ask God to reveal himself to you, he will. And even cooler is that one day - I get to meet him! How amazing!

If you haven't taken the time to really read the Bible, you should. Even if it takes you 2+ years (as it will for me). God is there and just wants you to know him - not just hear the stories. Read them, experience God in a new light. He'll reveal himself to you like you've never experienced!

Man - God is good. I am feeling renewed today, which is what I really needed! Thanks God, for revealing yourself to me and putting things in a new light. I am so thankful that Jesus died so I could experience you!

Impressions

So, I was thinking about all the different impressions we encounter. There are first impressions, dental impressions, final impressions, impressions on those you date, we seem to be making some kind of impression with every breath. I have to say that I've realized something about these impressions. It's just not worth it.

Yes, there are inevitably impressions that will be made. These are unavoidable. But here's some background on me. I was never really the "popular" girl and questioned a lot of time if someone liked me or not. I was always so worried about making a good impression on friends and not saying anything that would embarrass me that I probably didn't show those friends who I really was. Now, some of them did see - but with others I hid it all I could. Even today, I find myself doing things or saying things to try to impress other people. Come on! I am almost 30 years old, surely this isn't the case. But sadly, it is. I was thinking about a couple people that I've tried to impress so they would "notice" me as a worthy friend. I've come to the conclusion that if I have to try this hard, maybe the friendship just isn't worth it.

At my Bible study last week a very knowledgeable friend was talking about a conviction she was experiencing. She said she felt convicted to be the same person in each setting. You know, we've all done it - wear our different "hats." This is who I am at work, at school, with this group of friends or that group of friends, or worst of all, this is who I am at church. I could totally relate to her. I think we all need to just be the same person, no matter what. I don't want to be one way at home and another at church. I am who I am.

This phrase reminds me of what God tells Moses when he finds out he is going to Pharaoh about releasing the Israelites from Egypt. Moses asks what he should call God if the Israelites ask what his name is. God's answer is "I Am Who I Am." So Moses was going to tell them that "I Am" sent him.

If you really look at those words, they are so incredibly powerful. God is calling himself "I Am." To me, this just shows how unwavering God is. He is the same then as he is now. He is truly the example of being one all the time. He doesn't change his hat depending on who he is. He wasn't one God to Noah and another to Moses. He was and is the same.

I think I am going to try to live like that. As one person - the same person to my daughter, to my husband, to my friends. I think if I do this I won't feel the need to impress people anymore...and that, my friends, will be a great feeling!

Blah

So I am feeling kind of "blah" at the moment, well for the last few days really.  The strange thing is, I couldn't really put my finger on it until I just read my friend's blog.  She was talking about how we plan and then things don't happen according to our plan (go figure) and we know that.  So in response we try to let go and try to do our best knowing that God's timing and plan are SO much greater than ours.  But it just isn't easy.  She continued by hitting home what I have probably been failing to do these last few days of blahness - surrender.

There are a few different circumstances swirling around me that I really thought would be worked out be now, figured out.  But they aren't.  Just as much of a mystery (and frustration) as they were 2, 6, even 9 months ago.  So, I am reminded by my dear friend who (probably without knowing it) knew exactly what I needed to hear.  I'll surrender every day, every hour, who am I kidding - every second!

I know God's plan is so much bigger and better than mine.  He's shown me that over and over and over.  This is a journey.  He is preparing me.  For what?  I'm not exactly sure.  I know that I need to get to the other said of the mountain, but I can't even see the top from where I stand.  The good thing about this is that I know God is just a step in front of me, with a path laid out.  He waiting patiently for me to take the next step, to trust that he has the right answer and is guiding and directing me ever so softly.

My friend and I will be ok.  Maybe we'll lean more on each other in the coming days and weeks and months.  We'll get this lesson God is trying to teach...for now, I surrender knowing that my plan is not near what His is!  I take comfort in that!!

Rethinking "What will they think?"

So it is incredibly hard to put yourself out there.  I am constantly wanting approval from other people that I am doing the right thing or that they (go figure) approve.  So why isn't it enough that God loves me?  Why does this human side get to me and throw me for a loop?  This is one of the lessons I am learning each day.  It doesn't matter what other people think!  We're all human so at some point our opinions are faulty anyway.  Why take something faulty as truth?

I don't want Reagan to grow up worrying about other people like I do.  I will say, I am much better at this since having a child but there are those moments of being judged as a "bad mom."  (For instance, when Reagan went head first out of the shopping cart - talk about your mom guilt!!)  If I could spare her some of the lessons I had to learn the hard way, we'd be good to go.  I realize, though, that I can't make her do anything as she gets older.  I can show her my example and try to teach her, but ultimately she'll be a decision making adult.  This is precisely why I need to let go of what other's think and embrace God's love more than I ever have.  If she sees this in me, it is more likely that she won't have those hard lessons later.

Here's another link to a Kim Walker song, How He Loves Us.  It is really amazing!!  The descriptions she gives are unlike anything I've heard before.  "He is jealous for me - loves like a hurricane  - I am a tree - bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy."  It doesn't get better than that.  I think she captures the force with which God loves us!

So today, I surrender again...embracing the love of God that will wash over me no matter what anyone else thinks!  Isn't that what matters?

So the journey begins...

I am definitely on a journey.  I have probably learned more and grown more in the last 6 months than I have in the last 6 years - and my husband would probably agree.  I don't know what it is or what has caused this sudden "growth spurt" but I am liking it.  Don't misunderstand though, it is hard.  I feel challenged so often - over little and big things - and I have lost my footing more than once.  It is almost as though my identity is changing.

For many, many years I felt called to work with children.  I was a teacher and always wanted to be a mom.  I still feel that I can relate to kids and LOVE being home with my own.  She is amazing and funny and is just a true picture of love.  But, I am starting to realize more that I may have pigeon holed myself into thinking kids were my thing.  More and more I am loving to encourage other women.  And it isn't even that I think I do a good job of it, I just love talking with them.  I am finding that if I can share something about myself - a struggle, funny story, whatever - and it reaches someone else, it is deeply satisfying to me.  I feel like God is speaking to me more clearly than ever (and still a little fuzzy most of the time) and has given me words to share with certain people.  I truly feel God at work in my life.  I just cannot explain how satisfying that is.  This is the first time ever I feel like I am remotely getting at his purpose for me.  How amazing!  I could go on and on because I've found that when you find something your excited about and passionate about it just wants to spill over.

I am so blessed!  I love hearing from my friends who are much wiser that I am.  I have learned so much sharing and talking and reading what they've written.  I am thankful for those people who have opened my eyes.  One of those good friends introduced me to Kim Walker, a worship leader in Redding, CA.  Here's a link to one of her songs on YouTube.  It is appropriately called I Surrender.  Read the words, it is amazing!  I hope that God will bless you as you listen!

Here We Go...

I have just recently been reading my Bible on a (pretty much) daily basis.  I feel like I am learning so much about the Lord.  I know that I am continuing to transform with His help.  I can't comprehend the amount of love he has for you or me, but it takes my breath away.  There is nothing like being loved - unconditionally and for no good reason.  I can only surrender every day to what God is doing in me.  I am trying to die each day to Him.  It is not about me.

This is just my attempt to put my struggles, high points, and realizations into words.  I am excited to take this journey and hope that someone else may be blessed by my ramblings.